Things NOT to do if you’re trying to get some ass!

Advice from Becca | Smutlife

Look, I’m not really picky when it comes to sex. I’m able to laugh at the embarrassing moments, I’m up for trying new things, and I’m not looking for someone with perfect bedroom skills. However, there are a few things that are pet peeves of mine, some of which are downright deal breakers. Every girl is different, so my list may not necessarily apply to every girl out there, but these are some of the things I’ve heard time and time again and on occasion have experienced.  So guys, listen to what a girl has to say.

First, before you get all crazy, let us know about any off-beat fetishes you might have in mind before you go and try them on us. When I was 19, I wanted to have a threesome with my boyfriend and another guy. I found one online, we talked about sex, our likes and dislikes, we exchanged pictures – he seemed like a normal guy and I was ready to fuck. The big day came, and as the three of us were tangled up on my living room floor, this seemingly normal guy did a not-so-normal thing: he started to practically make out with one of my armpits. What the fuck? I’m all for trying new things, but you really shouldn’t surprise attack someone like this. Granted, it could’ve been a lot worse (he could’ve tried pissing on my face), but I was taken completely off guard and in that moment, he killed any chance he ever had of having sex with me again.

Second, we’re not all porn stars so don’t expect us to act like one.  In fact, not every porn star wants to screw like a porn star all of the time. Not every sexual position you see on film is necessarily conducive to a good time in real life and not every girl is going to want you to shoot your load on her face. I’m sure (or at least hope) that you know that just because you have a hot secretary, a cute nurse, or gone over to a sexy housewife’s home to fix her cable, that it’s probably not going to lead to some hardcore sex like something right out of a fuck flick. So why would one assume that we’re going to flip the switch and morph into a Tory Lane or a Belladonna as soon as you get us in bed?

Speaking of comparing us to porn stars, don’t compare us to your past girlfriends either!  Especially not during sex! Don’t start giving us pointers on how you want us to give you head based on what an amazing job your ex-girlfriend used to do. If that’s the case then call her ass up and have her come suck you off.  As one of my friends so perfectly worded it, “It’s more useful if they specify the technique that they like rather than the person that did it.” I’m sure you don’t want to be compared to our past boyfriends, either, right?

Third – If the rest of you is naked, then take off your damn socks, too. My boyfriend and I met this really hot couple years ago that we used to swing with. Our first time with them, while my boyfriend was in their room fucking the wife, I was in the living room with the husband. He was really nice and sexy and we had a lot of fun, but looking back, the one thing that stands out the most from that night was that he kept his socks on the entire time. FYI, it’s not an attractive look guys; please don’t do it.

Just because it’s over for you, doesn’t mean we’re done, too. So maybe you pop off rather quickly or just have an issue with pre-ejacultaion. Really, it’s not a big deal – as long as you take care of us, too. I have seen far too many guys cum too quickly and then bail out of embarrassment. Once while swinging, I had a guy ‘pop’ after (literally) one thrust inside of me. That’s all it took. He apologized, gathered his things and hit the road running. If you know you’ve had problems in the past with this, then give us lots of foreplay and make sure we’re satisfied even after you cum. Trust me, you don’t want us to blab to our friends about how you were a quick cummer and weren’t considerate or concerned with fulfilling our needs as well. And we’ll do it, too, because we’ll be feeling so let down by your lack of effort. But, to be perfectly honest here, some of the best sex I’ve ever had (and that’s saying a lot) is with a guy who busts his nutt quicker than most because he cares enough to take the time to satisfy me. Actually, you should be taking our needs into consideration even if you aren’t someone who ejaculates pre-maturely.

Please have at least a small understanding of the female anatomy. Not long ago I was with this guy whom I knew wasn’t very sexually experienced, but I was all for showing him the ropes… until it become blatantly obvious that he should’ve been sitting in a sex ed class instead of sitting on the edge of my bed. He was touching my pubic area – not my labia, clit, or any other feel-good spots, but my fucking pubic area – while asking me if it feels good. I suddenly felt like I was hooking up with a pubescent teenage boy as I told him “You need to go a bit lower.” His response was an uncomfortable chuckle followed by “I know.” I ended it a few minutes later and haven’t spoken to him since.

Leave your insecurities at the door. I know this is a double-standard and that women (myself included) need to work on similar problems as well, but during sex is no time to verbalize your fears of inadequacy in regards to your cock size. I swear, the next time a guy refers to himself as “small” while we’re doing the nasty, I’m going to pretend like he has a humiliation fetish and confirm his fears. Okay, maybe I won’t. But I’ll want to. Guys, you just need to realize that we are choosing to be with you. We like your cock, sure, but it’s the man that it’s attached to that we’re really into.

When it’s all said and done, that’s all it really comes down to - you. Your personality will over rule any flaws and fuck ups… as long as they don’t become a normal thing. Even when swinging, despite the purpose of it being to have sex, I always went for the nice guys over the hot ones – a woman’s brain is her most powerful sex organ. Just use common sense, realize that we liked something about you before we decided to sleep with you, and for fucks sake, take off your damn socks.